Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
You Might Also Like
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?