WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did