@jeremiahtolbert

Slightly obscure nerd jokes are best nerd jokes.

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

@avesss18

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

@iwearaonesie

[IKEA]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*

@allthenachos

An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.

@Parkerlawyer

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@MythicPicnic

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did