Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar