Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Pat is about to own someone
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
me when i see my girls butt
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.