Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?