@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

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@filmswithcora

Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever

Friend: Tell me your favorites

Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years

@junejuly12

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

@KattsDogma

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

@ItsSamG

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…