[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

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Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever

Friend: Tell me your favorites

Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years


Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.


I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”


“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name


I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.


Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.


And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is


Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.


Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…