*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.