If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
You Might Also Like
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
This might be the funniest tweet ever
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.