*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*

*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

[airport]
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Me: I have a younger sister but she’s nothing like me.

Him: Wow, she sounds perfect.

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