@Home_Halfway

*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*

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@BruceForce

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

@Vice_Queen

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

@bonehugsnirony

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

@Dawn_M_

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

@Breadery

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

@sarabellab123

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

@prufrockluvsong

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it