Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers