*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*

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t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.


When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you


Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?


[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*


[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine


I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.


Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.


Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”


FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it