@Home_Halfway
@BruceForce
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
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@BruceForce
@weinerdog4life
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
@Vice_Queen
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
@bonehugsnirony
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
@OtherDanOBrien
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
@Dawn_M_
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
@Breadery
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
@MomOnFire
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
@sarabellab123
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
@prufrockluvsong
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it