[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
<—- homeless romantic
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor