@Sotherans
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
@Parkerlawyer
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
@gitson_shiggles
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
@FredTaming
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
@kwirkyKerri
I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.
@Tinkerbell_
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
@TheToddWilliams
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
@sad_jake
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
@BoothysTweets
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
@TheTweetOfGod
John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18. It was a very close race.
@gogglepossum