@CornOnTheGoblin

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

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@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@TheJamieLee

My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.

@snowmedia

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

@KentWGraham

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

@KentWGraham

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

@amateuradam

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.