[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.


My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.


Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.


I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.


[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*


I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.


I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”


There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.