Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Happy birthday to all the women
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.