@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

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@DaHess1

@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.

@michael_raphone

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@PlopWaffle

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

@danjan13

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

@SvnSxty

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.