@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

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@nerdreign

Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.

@jwoodham

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@dril

oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.