@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!
ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.
But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.