Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]


[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

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Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it


Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.


I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.


Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread


Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.


Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”


Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit


I’m confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?


Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.


Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?