@CornOnTheGoblin: [goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better] "sorry, we're full" [lights myself on fire]

@DaddyJew: It's so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@Diversion50: It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

@bingowings14: No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I'm yak toes intolerant.

@spacej_me: Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that's what we were doing.