@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

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@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

@junejuly12

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

@lisaxy424

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

@MacDickson18

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@thatguyJA

I’m confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?