Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Attacked by a mop.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Breaking news:
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about