Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.