kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
LMAO
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.