sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Solving a traffic jam
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Sticker placement is key.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’m awake but I object,
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting