[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
The first one, obviously
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.