@ScottLinnen

Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@NinjaSweatpants

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

@threetimedaddy

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?