Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.

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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.


Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in


[both get shot]


Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park


My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant


If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?