Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.
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How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?