The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.