It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door
[slowly backing away] why do you know what shooting fish in a barrel is like?
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*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
If there was a problem, yo, I caused it.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.