[slowly backing away] why do you know what shooting fish in a barrel is like?

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It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door


*Sits straight up in bed*

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*


FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor


ME: Nah, just drove really fast


I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.


“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names


Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.