*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?