[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.