@BritXNic

*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@om_eye_goodness

my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

@krishna_van

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.

@thedadvocate01

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@Chelsea_Fagan

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes