*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
You Might Also Like
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Why鈥檚 it called casual sex? It鈥檚 not like people in relationships have sex in top hats鈥ell not every time.
Me: You said you wouldn鈥檛 dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If you鈥檙e cremated, you can鈥檛 roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 馃構
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That鈥檚 for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Can鈥檛, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping