{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.