{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

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To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.


[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?


My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.


Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword


The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…


“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”


I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.


8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.