@Skoogeth
@tuckerflodman
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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@tuckerflodman
@Lisabug74
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@jjhartinger
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
@Shot_Of_Cabo
My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.
@Phook75
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
@crunchenhancer
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
@IamEveryDayPpl
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
@radtoria
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
@dearjodusty
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
@TheFearBoners
8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.