@Skoogeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

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@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@Lisabug74

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.

@Phook75

Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at

@crunchenhancer

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

@IamEveryDayPpl

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

@radtoria

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

@dearjodusty

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

@TheFearBoners

8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.