wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.