@DaddyJew

*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

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@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@iamMunga

Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.

@DrakeGatsby

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

@karanbirtinna

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@nimble__nick

CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.