*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

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If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.


[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]



No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.


Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.


Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random


Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.


None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead


CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.