@Brampersandon_

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

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@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@UltimaShadowX

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

@Nobody09049097

if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once

@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*