@Brampersandon_: *slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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@slimmy_shady: Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say "Hello".At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
@Vodkantots: [on first date] Him: What's your sign? Me: Vertigo Him: You mean Virgo? Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.
@Kaladas4U2NV: I lost 7 followers today. It's nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
@UncleDuke1969: FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted? ME: Yup. FRIEND: Really? By who? WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG. ME: The ghost of my mother.