*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house