So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.