[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair