*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
i now pronounce you bounced.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”