Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail