See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*
*quarter falls out*
I’ll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Me: I’m a monger
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Date: so you were married twice before?
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.