@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

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@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

@ThatRascalPuff

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

@WheelTod

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@BoogTweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.