*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.