[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭