i love meeting boys on tinder
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.