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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My last name is Zilla.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.