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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.