Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I feel seen.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
December birthdays be like…
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?