Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!


Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.


[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit


If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?


Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?


“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows