“Wetalian!” -Multiple Italians
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me: Do you want dinner? BF:sure, what are my choices? Me:yes or no.