Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
Note to self: I am a note
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows