@figgled

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

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@Xoolun

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@Donna_McCoy

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?