Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”