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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
A fake ID that makes you younger
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Nomnomnomnom
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”