@iGreenMonk

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?

Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.

Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

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@WildeThingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@MegsHAUSTED

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@lipstck_junkie

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?