[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
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Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet