Smallpox sounds so adorable
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.