My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Why I divorced her.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
How to draw a duck
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT