Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.