PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?