@reczit

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

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@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

@shariv67

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

@ohpeetie

Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

@david8hughes

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

@shadygrenade

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?