Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can鈥檛 live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
God: you鈥檙e a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I鈥檓 sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
When there鈥檚 food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
This is the cutest stalk I鈥檝e ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 馃槀
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Stop it! 馃槀
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn鈥檛 you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can鈥檛 keep me away from light bulbs
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back