Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.