*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
You Might Also Like
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.