I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.