“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.