*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.