Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not