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@Marlebean

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

@frogshack

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

@chrisscamurra

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

@DiamondGirl127

“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys

@nappydolemite

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@Desert_Musings

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”