Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night