Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Beef jerky is just a cow raisin
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”