I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
When can I start eating bats again.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today