Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
me 2 months after i graduated
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
me when the borders lift
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.