got so much cardio in today
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Sooo many times…..
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?